raising bi-racial children

I apparently hadn't given enough consideration to the reality of raising bi-racial children.  By the time my twins were born six years ago we had a truly blended family and home life in quite a quirky way.  I had already six children from my first marriage, my ex's family and I remained very close and they even accepted my new husband as a part of the family; we adopted a barely teenage boy who was half African American and half Puerto Rican; the house was always full of neighbor kids of all backgrounds and cultures. 

My husband is brown and I am white, of European decent.  He doesn't know what nationalites his ancestors are so I use the term brown as it is his preference.  When we became pregnant, the subject had come up of course in conversation between friends and even between my husband and myself out of fear that the children may have issues out in the world with prejudice.  I was told by many that it was certain to happen and to prepare myself for it.  What I wasn't prepared for was that it would sneak into our home.  It entered through what I would have thought to be the most unlikely source...the twins themselves.

It was sorta funny at first with the games they came up with on their own.  I've mentioned before the time we were in the mall and Anthony had to jump onto the light tiles because he's white and Ashley had to jump from dark tile to dark tile because she's brown.  I didn't say anything at the time - it seemed innocent enough, right?  But this game they played at the mall was more and more a way of identifying themselves.  Soon, they decided Ashley would have chocolate ice cream and he would have vanilla.  She'll have chocolate milk 'cause its brown and he'll have strawberry because its not.  By now I've mentioned to them from time to time that everyone is their own color - nobody in our family is exactly the same color, although ironically, Ashley and our "adopted" son are too close to detect a difference. 

Today, we were walking in the store parking lot, the twins; one of their older brothers, Josh; Josh's girlfriend; her nephew, and me.  Anthony announces hey we are five white people and one brown!  Mind you now they are bi-racial TWINS, and the other child is Mexican.  Ok... enough.  Time for me to start asking questions I think to myself.  His skin is pale and hers is carmel colored, true and while they aren't insinuating that one skin color is better than another by any measure, my concern here is that they not make more of an issue out of skin color than it deserves, but they seem to be more aware and focused on this difference between them than I am comfortable with.

I've asked if there has been any conversation in school about people's skin color, or if classmates have made comments.  Their responses were "no".  It may just be a game with them and nothing to worry about because they are also very focused on the differences between boys and girls, even definining certain colors as boy/girl colors beyond blue and pink.  Did you know red is a girl color and yellow is a boy color?  This was decided because red is Ashley's favorite and yellow is Anthony's.

I've only started to investigate this phenomenon that has entered our home.  I've just started reading the book Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria written by Beverly Danielle Tatum, Ph.D.  (I'm so aggravated with myself for leaving it in my drawer at work... I got so busy that I forgot I brought it.)Hopefully that will give me some skills to help to guide them to a healthy way of developing their identity that doesn't focus so much on skin color.  I mean, I want to live in a world where that is only as important as eye color or hair color when describing an individual.  I can't expect that to happen if it's not even happening in my own house... can I?

I'm open to advice and I guess posting this to ask for advice, support, or anyone that can identify and comiserate (sp?).

The Twins

 I wanted to introduce you to my babies, the twins, Anthony and Ashley.  They are wonderful.  They stick together like glue.  I found out about a year ago that it's common with boy/girl twins that one be a lefty and the to be right handed (he's the lefty by the way) but it never ceases to amaze me how opposite they are from each other.  She was a night owl, he was a morning person and as they grew personalities, she was total girl and he total boy. I don't mean they were kids with female/male tendencies but Ashley is extremely feminine and Anthony extremely masculine.  They play opposite, which is often common for boys and girls their age; they learned opposite, she memorized prayers while he learned colors; he was an extrovert while she was an introvert (they have since switched roles in this area); but I've noticed they even eat opposite if he's eating the meat that day, she's eating the vegatables; he's cruncy peanut butter, she's creamy.  One thing they do have in common is that they don't like to be apart.  They are in separate classrooms at school but otherwise, they are together every minute all day until they drop at night... they are rarely even on a different floor of the house from the other. 

I guess my question is, has anyone else noticed this with their twins?  I just think it is the neatest thing to watch them interact with each other.  They are six years old and I still can't take my eyes off them.

Question to Moms

I have a question as to how people would handle this situation:

You and your family are at a friends house for dinner and she's cooked all day a fantastic beef stew.  My son, comes over and whispers to me, tells me he doesn't like it.  Her feelings would be hurt that he didn't like it (it's happened before).  Now what would you do?  He's hungry, can't eat what she's worked really hard for, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

No Child Left Behind? Yea, ok...

Ok. I'm confused and upset. I attended my children's curriculum night last week and learned some things about Brunson Elementary and other schools across the county and I guess, from a letter I recieved today, maybe even the nation...

I'll start with the letter I received today in the mail. It is with regard to the "No Child Left Behind" (NCLB) legislation that requires schools to meet targeted achievement goals in both reading and math. If they fail to meet these goals for three years in a row they need to provide Supplemental Education Services (SES) [free tutoring] to eligible students.

Apparently Brunson is one of those schools because I learned at curriculum night that SES were being offered to students from their school. I visited with their teachers and learned of their expectations for the school year and certain testing schedules, which I thought was actually the point of the night. We were all told at that point that the school was offering these services without mention to us of why. I thought it was just something the school system did to supplement their normal day-time program (until today's letter).

Now, I know from my twins that there are drastic academic differences from student to student because Ashley is advanced, reading books on her own, while Anthony is having trouble even recognizing his kindergarten words. Strange because they both do everything together including sitting with me at night for stories so they are even getting the exact same stories read to them. The only differences in their lives are their teachers at school and their own ability. Anyway, my point is that Anthony could benefit from the tutoring.

We went to the cafeteria where all the providers were set up (there were 18 of them I think). They were all set up with freebies on their tables to draw attention to them, lots of literature and applications.

I was then informed that eligible students are defined as students receiving free or reduced lunch. I was disappointed because we are not eligible for free/reduced lunch. So I asked how much tutoring like this would cost a parent whose child isn't "eligible". The response was the same from every table. It is against the law for them to even give such information while there. Because my child wasn't eligible, they couldn't even (without breaking the law) give me a business card for me to call them outside of the function!

I am now furious! The more I think about it the more angry and confused I become. It's Saturday so I cannot get any further information from the school until Monday. Consequently, you are reading my rant. I am left to think that because their school isn't doing an adequate job of educating their students that the financially disadvantaged children will get extra help to bring the school up-to-standard while my ineligible child in need of the service will not. I cannot afford the tutoring which runs from $30 per hour on up. I could quit my job to have the extra time with my son to work with him (vs. him having to stay up later to study his words with me when I get home at 5:30).

What I want to know is who decided what "eligible" means. As I stated earlier I am aware of the differences between students academic progress - the difference is not a financial difference. Why is the eligibility not based on academic need?

Hey, maybe if I do quit, we'll be eligible for the free tutoring?